destinystrings | where i can never say the things i mean;

Entry tags:

where i can never say the things i mean;

Who: Tsukasa and Sarah Snowdon
Where: Devil May Cry
Summary: Tsukasa takes Sarah up on her offer of a talk. A talk can't hurt, right?
Warnings: Talk of abuse. A lot of abuse.

To say Tsukasa was nervous was understating things. Tsukasa was completely terrified, but he had sought out this place anyway. The person talking to him had... seemed nice, at least. A little like Subaru, and a little like Mimiru.

... He couldn't run away from things anymore, and someone who didn't really know him wouldn't have a bias. Probably. He raised his fist and knocked on the door, gripping his staff tightly.

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"Ah, hold on!"

Sarah wasn't expecting much in the way of company today, so when she answers the door she's in her casual clothes - tank top with the Famitsu logo on the back, cargo pants, and combat boots. Upon seeing Tsukasa, she blinks, once, before speaking.

"Uh, hello?"

"Um... hi. You're the one I was talking to on the network, right?"

His head is down, his body language tense. He wants to run away but... no. That's a bad idea.

Sarah stares for a long moment before chuckling under her breath.

"...heh. C'mon in, kid. Want some juice?"

"... Tsukasa." But he nods, and tries to relax.

After she gets him seated, she heads out and comes back in carrying a couple of cans.

"I got, uh..."

Looking between them.

"Corn, or...apparently this is asparagus?"

He looks down a little. "Um... maybe just some water, then."

A nod.

"Sure thing."

She keeps the corn juice for herself and brings Tsukasa a glass of water.

He doesn't drink it, not yet, just holds it. "I... thanks for letting me come over."

"Welcome."

She sits down, pops open the corn juice, and waits patiently.

He takes a deep breath, trying to think of how to put things.

"I... I guess the first thing you should know is that this... isn't me. I mean... it's me, but... this is the character I play in an online game. I became... unable to log out about six months before I came here. This is a male character model, but... from what I can remember, I'm female in the real world. I don't remember much about the real world, though. I... my memories were messed with by the artificial intelligence that got me trapped in the game."

Sarah takes this in calmly; implanted memories are something she has first-hand experience with.

"...but you've managed to recover enough to realize what's missing, then."

"I didn't think about it for a while when I was in the game, but... when I was listening to other people in the Root Towns talk about things I... realized I was missing a lot. I still don't remember a lot."

He takes a sip of the water, before speaking again. "... Everything I remember about the real world is... painful. She - the one keeping me there - didn't want me to try to log off. If I did, another artificial intelligence would wake up... and she didn't want that. I still don't know why."

"Non-human intelligence is...tricky. Even if they can communicate with humans, they don't have the same values."

Sarah looks...reserved, like she's thinking about something bittersweet.

"I guess. I'm... not even sure if I want all of my memories back. If they're all painful like that..."

He has Subaru waiting for him, but he's still not sure if he's ready, or if he even deserves her.

"Mm. I knew someone that had her memories tampered with as well, actually...she felt like she needed her actual memories back in order to function properly. If you don't, that's your decision."

"I just... if all it would get me is pain, what's the point? The ones I remember hurt enough already..."

"That's certainly a choice you can make as well. But, I think that no matter what you decide to do...it should be an informed decision. It's not just about unpleasant memories...it's about the rest of your life."

"I... I guess. I don't know if I'll remember things when I log out or not..." He shakes his head. "And... and what if she doesn't like me... being a girl offline? And I don't even know how I feel about that, because in my memories of the real world I'm a girl but I'm... a male character..."

Sarah's silent for a while before replying.

"Does she know already?"

"... I'm pretty sure. Bear kind of... made it pretty clear that the person he found in the hospital was a girl."

He reaches out to take another drink, and realizes his hand is shaking. "... I. I think my... my father tried to kill me... tried to... take me off of life support. If I'm right it would... make sense with what I felt that time. Bear said he'd take me in but... but what if he can't? And what if he hates me in the real world, too?"

Sarah's response is instant, as she sits up straighter and leans forward to grasp Tsukasa's hand.

"Trust your friends."

A pause as she lets go of his hand and continues speaking.

"What you just said changes a lot of things, and I think we need to go over your options."

The sudden contact makes him flinch slightly, and he closes his eyes. "I'm trying. I'm trying, but they're not here and I don't know when I'll go home. But... what kind of options?"

"If he went through proper channels to get you off support, you can probably argue abandonment to head off legal complaints for your friend taking you in. If he didn't, that's attempted murder, and it's entirely likely you can get him sent to prison."

"I... I don't know. He probably didn't. He..."

Tsukasa closes his eyes, trying to think, trying to remember, even though it hurts to do so. "He's the sort of person... the selfish kind of person who only cares about what he wants. People who don't act exactly like how he wants are just... annoyances. Obstacles. Stupid, worthless people."

Sarah thinks that over.

"...okay, yes, you will probably be able to get him thrown in prison."

Finishing her juice with two long pulls, crushing the can into a tiny ball, and standing up.

"I am Lieutenant Sarah Snowdon, callsign Owl, Fenrir Far East Branch Retaliation Squad leader. I hearby swear on my God Arc that I shall assist you to the best of my ability until you feel that justice has been served."

Tsukasa stares at her, and shrinks back slightly. She's intimidating and he's not totally sure what she can even do at this point.

"It's... it's not like he's here..."

"No, he's not. That part of the equation is off the table right now. But you're here."

Sitting back down, her posture very intense.

"Any time - any time - you start to feel overwhelmed or afraid, feel free to come here. I'll do everything I can to make sure you feel like you can confront him and win, okay?"

He just stares for a few moments more, before letting out a weak little laugh. "Even with everything that happened in The World, and the friends I made there... and even with having spent a long time here... 'overwhelmed' is a good word for it. I hate my Soul Persona, I spend most of my time fighting monsters at night, and I don't have any idea what I'm doing in school. I've gotten lectures by teachers about missing homework but... I don't have memories of being in school other than ones where I was bullied, so I don't know a lot of the material."

Sarah considers that.

"...if you want, I could explain some of that to your school and see if they can find some way to help you with that?"

"I... maybe." Trying to explain hasn't exactly been a priority for him. He just wants to make as little noise as possible there, so that the other kids don't bug him.

~~too bad kotoha knows him then~~

~~i mean~~

"Hm. You said you spend your nights fighting monsters? Any reason for that?"

"In The World I did a lot of level grinding on my own. So I'm used to fighting on my own. And I sell the drops to pay for supplies."

"...I am guessing that half the reason you went out solo was because you didn't have anything else to do, did you? Why not try a hobby?"

"... I draw sometimes."

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where i can never say the things i mean;

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