Dead Men Don't Wear Plaid

[a_pirate_meant_to_be]

Who: Guybrush Threepwood. Open.
Where: Virgo District.
Summary: "Once you can accept the universe as being something expanding into an infinite nothing which is something, wearing stripes with plaid is easy." - Albert Einstein
Warnings: Horrible fashion sense.

Part of him feels like he should've told the woman that no sane individual wears plaid if they can help it. But a job's a job, and he's not sure she would've understood the fashion catastrophe she was about to unleash upon herself. So, out he goes.

Of course, as one can judge by the narrative text, there's a major problem with this scenario: how does a guy who hates plaid find something fashionable IN plaid? And that's his crisis right now, ducking in and out of stores and pretty much hating all the fashions.

"This is getting ridiculous. Where's THAT guy when I need him?" he mutters. Now who could THAT guy be? More importantly, does anybody want to help him in his nigh-impossible quest?

Comments

[a_pirate_meant_to_be]

The store is pretty standard, at least. There's some pretty decent, if not exciting fashions. And sure enough, further in the back, there's a few plaid pieces here and there. "Bleah." He pulls a sleeve out with some disdain. "It'd take a real fashion model to make THIS stuff look good."

[otakuro]

"You know, if you've got an infinite inventory, you could just grab every plaid shirt in the store and see which one she likes." Atsuro helpfully suggests as he aimlessly pokes around in the adult women section. The salesclerk gives him a funny glance as he begins to sort through the blouses.

"What about this? It goes with her glasses, right?"

Armor in the SMT-verse occasionally comes with intrinsic effects. The Psychodelic Plaid Shirt comes with +Blindness and +Fear (100% on wearer).

[a_pirate_meant_to_be]

"I think that would be slightly in excess of what I could get away with stealing," he replies. Apparently, the idea of PAYING for all of it didn't even cross his mind.

Guybrush eyes the shirt, shielding his eyes. "How can you tell? I can barely look at the thing. Ugh."

[otakuro]

"...Maybe we could get her sunglasses while we're at it." Atsuro holds it out at arm's length and squints before thrusting it back into the rack. Puke-green squares just didn't go as well with neon-pink stripes as he would've imagined.

"Did she say 'shirt' specifically or just... any piece of clothing that's plaid?"

The horrors of plaid pants aside, perhaps they could buy her a scarf.

[a_pirate_meant_to_be]

"Nope, she definitely indicated a tunic of some sort." Bleah. "At least it's not a jacket. Only one guy I know pulls off a plaid jacket, and he probably wouldn't part with it without signing a lease or something."

He pulls out another one. "I don't think puce and yellow are supposed to go together like that."

[otakuro]

"...'Tunic' is pirate-speak for 'shirt', right? We'd never find what we were looking for if we started asking around for tunics." Plaid clearly hadn't existed back in the middle ages. He wonders who, exactly, had decided the world needed a new fashion design that the vast majority of people strongly disliked.

"OK, here." Atsuro holds out what appears to be a plaid sweater-vest. "Warm and serviceable. I bet she'll love it." Clearly, he was trying to sabotage Guybrush's task so he could get the better reward.

[a_pirate_meant_to_be]

He eyes the combo in disbelief. "I'm pretty sure there's NO era where a sweater-vest has ever been fashionable, let alone a plaid one," he replies. He pulls out one on his own. "Hmm, this looks... tolerable? Maybe?"

[otakuro]

((Sorry for the lateness; I attended a wedding this weekend. Feel free to drop if you'd prefer!))

It takes great restraint for Atsuro to refrain from making a quip about hereditary color-blindness. He approaches with a skeptical expression. "...Uh. Yeah, sure. That one looks perfect."

Four shirts and he was already tired of shopping. How did Yuzu do it? "Better snag it now before someone else does. How's the price?"

[a_pirate_meant_to_be]

Guybrush looks at the price tag. Guybrush gawks at the price tag. "Uh... is there any chance inflation has rendered this price anywhere in the realms of reasonable?" he asks, showing the tag.

[otakuro]

"...You know, that's probably in old Turkish lira. Hinoto-ri is definitely the cultural equivalent of Turkey, right? One yen would probably cover it." Atsuro nods sagely as he quickly thrusts the shirt back at Guybrush.

"Hey, the ones over there on the 90% off racks are cute, right?" He drifts in that direction, ignoring the 'Toddlers and Infants' sign as he passes. "I bet we could stretch these after they went through the wash."

[a_pirate_meant_to_be]

Guybrush picks up one and holds it up to him. "That'd be one stretchy material," he says, a tone of disbelief in his voice. Man, this is the pits.

[otakuro]

"Or glue two together. It could be like layers, built in to the shirt already." Fashion advice from Atsuro was so innovative that it was a wonder he didn't have his own television show yet. He abandons the Toddlers and Infants section after noticing the salesclerk stare at him with an even more uncomfortable expression on her face.

"...Wait, aren't pirates supposed to have tons of treasure? You've got to have at least a few doubloons in your infinite inventory, right?"

[a_pirate_meant_to_be]

"You'd think so, but you'd be amazed what sort of contrived reasons the universe finds for ensuring I have the least amount of money possible at the beginning of any given adventure," he replies, eyebrow raised. "Anyway, I've got nothing." He sighs. "Where's a suitably naive employer who pays in advance and hires without interviews when you need one?"

[otakuro]

"Somewhere in the store with the nice plaid shirts and the memory-improving devices." Atsuro sighs a bit. "...Hey, OK. I've got some yen notes on hand; I'll pay for half of this now if you'll help me pay for half of my 'memory-improving device' whenever I find it. Odds are I never will, so..."

[a_pirate_meant_to_be]

"Hey, really? That'd be swell, thanks! But gee, I'd think you future guys would've developed SOME sorta fancy technology to ram a better memory into someone's head," he says, flitting through his rather sadly thin wallet.

[otakuro]

"I know, right?" Atsuro digs around in his pockets and for the eighth time or so since he arrived, wishes that Macca could be used to purchase more than demons. "It's not like people are computers. You can't just buy some circuits and upgrade your -- "

His words trail off as he pauses, a frown settling on his face.

[a_pirate_meant_to_be]

Guybrush looks crestfallen. "Aw man, don't tell me you don't have the dough."

[otakuro]

"...Huh?" Atsuro shakes his head. "Nah, I've got enough for a large pizza." That probably makes sense to someone somewhere out in the world. He continues. "...I'm just wondering if she ever said who the memory was for."

He thumbs through his wallet again and pulls out the bills. "There. Lucky for you, I was planning to go shopping the day everything went down."

[a_pirate_meant_to_be]

Guybrush manages to pull out some money -- somehow -- and it's a shirt get. Phew. "So what, one moment it was hit the shops, the next it was crazy guy telling you about things in your head?"

[otakuro]

"What...?" Atsuro shells over his portion of the money and blinks. "Oh, no, I meant the day everything went down back home, back a few weeks ago. My friends and I were gonna go hang out at the mall." Not that his arrival into Hinoto-Ri had been much better timed.

[a_pirate_meant_to_be]

He scratches the back of his head. "Gee, things must've gone real crazy where you're come from," he says, putting the shirt into that strange mystery zone he calls an inventory again. "You should've been a pirate. EVERY day is strange and crazy that way. It's great."

[otakuro]

Atsuro tries not think about the fact that Guybrush had just apparently tucked his shirt into his shirt, whereupon it had immediately vanished. Perhaps he was wearing it underneath now.

"I do my best to avoid strange and crazy, thanks. I think it's probably better for my lifespan." He pauses. "...My memory, too."